


burn bridges, american boyfriend

by soxandredsandbruins (throwaway414)



Category: Baseball RPF
Genre: Bisexual Male Character, Friends to Lovers, Homophobia, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, World Series
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-10
Updated: 2019-02-10
Packaged: 2019-10-25 20:40:05
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,259
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17732285
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/throwaway414/pseuds/soxandredsandbruins
Summary: Xander learns he's in love 5 years after he meets Vaz. It takes him 4 years to actually do anything about it





	burn bridges, american boyfriend

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks to Britt for reading this through for me. This ship was inspired by the fact that they were roommates in real life, and by On the Other Hand by Las (check this out btw). Also title is from American Boyfriend by Kevin Abstract

Xander had learned that he could be in love with anyone when he was twelve, that’s what his mother told him at least. “It doesn’t matter who you love, whether they’re a girl or boy. As long as you’re a good person, who cares what anyone says about you?” Xander believed that for a while, practically lived by those words. Who cared if he kissed the pretty girl in his English class one day, and then held hands with the cute guy who lives a couple houses over later that week?

Xander learned the answer to that when he was fifteen. A lot of people cared, in fact. But they only cared if the person he was with was a guy. They had no problem with it if the person was a girl. Xander tried to not let it get to him at first, tried to stay strong and be proud with himself. It’s how his mother told him to be, and Xander has never been the one to not listen to his mother. Besides, Xander liked being with guys the same way he liked being with girls, why would be stop doing that just because a few people didn’t agree with that?

But it’s hard for Xander to keep his head up and stay proud when every day, his teammates, the people he trusts, are the same people who make him feel ashamed. It’s hard to stay proud when he’s so scared of being seen with another guy, so scared of the judgment he would face. 

So Xander stops.

He stops letting himself have feelings for other men. Stops letting himself look at another guy in any way that isn’t platonic. Deep down Xander knows he shouldn’t let other people thoughts and words affect him. He’s never changed himself for anyone else before, so why start now?

The reason for that was seeing another one of Xander’s teammates get bullied off the team for being open about being gay. Wally was his name. Xander had never really talked to him, but they were still teammates, Xander still loved him like a brother. But apparently that sentiment didn’t spread to the others on Xander’s team. Xander remembered seeing the tears roll down the Wally’s cheeks as insults were thrown at him. Xander remembers seeing the pure rejection on the other boy’s face as coaches ignored him. Xander wanted so badly to step in, to yell at everyone who was hurting Wally, tell them that the way they were treating him wasn’t okay.

But Xander didn’t want to be harrassed and bullied off the team like Wally. Baseball was Xander’s future, his way to escape. His way to make something of himself, and prove his father wrong. If Xander gets kicked off this team, then that hurts his future. So Xander keeps his mouth shut, lays awake at night thinking about what he could’ve done different.

When Xander was sixteen, he meets a scout for Boston. Not too long after that is when he meets Christian. Vaz is a couple years older than Xander, from Puerto Rico, and understands what it’s like to have to work his way up through the system. Vaz is nice to Xander, always talks to him and gives him bright smiles everytime Xander walks into the same room as him. Vaz is a mess of a roommates sometimes, sure, but he’s kind to Xander and always hugs him and talks to him. He unintentionally helps Xander with his homesickness, the loneliness that Xander feels every night he’s not in Aruba, so Xander can’t help but attach himself to Vaz.

It takes Xander nearly five years after they meet to realize that he’s in love with Vaz. He should have realized it sooner, honestly. Should have realized the warmth he felt in his chest when Vaz smiled at him, the pure joy he felt when Vaz ruffled his hair was maybe a sign that Xander had it bad for him. Should have realized crying into his pillow at night after he got called up because Vaz wasn’t in the room over meant that Xander had an attachment to Vaz that went past a casual friendship.

It takes Xander almost four more years after that to confess to Vaz. Xander had panicked after he realized how bad he had it for Vaz. Xander was a major leaguer at this point, being in love with Vaz meant that if anyone found out, then Xander could be traded, or be sent down, or worse. Xander doesn’t want to think about the consequences of that. So he hides his feelings for years. 

Him and Vaz are still close with each other. But it hurts, the warmth in Xander’s chest turning into shame after Vaz leaves the room. The disgust he feels with himself after one of Vaz’s hugs leaves him flustered. He wants so badly to just grab Vaz’s face and smash their lips together, wants so badly to just be able to hold Vaz’s hand in his without feeling the judgement of the people around him.

Benny and Brock are the ones that convince him to finally allow himself to have feelings for Vaz. Not directly really, it’s not like they sat down and told him that it’s okay for Xander to be in love with Vaz. But they way they interacted with each other, the way Benny curled up under Brock’s arm on the clubhouse couch. The way Brock celebrated more than anyone else when Benny got a hit. The way nobody on the team really cared that those two were clearly in love with each other without explicitly saying it. The way they weren’t ashamed of being with each other, weren’t ashamed of having feelings for another guy.

Xander kisses Vaz after they win the World Series. They’re both in the locker room, champagne everywhere around the two of them. Vaz is in the corner of the room, taking a picture of Rafi and Nunie. Xander had only meant to go up to him to congratulate Vaz, he knows how much this means to Vaz. Knows how badly Vaz has wanted this for years. But after Xander tells Vaz congratulations, suddenly Vaz’s arms are around Xander, holding the taller man and pulling him in tight. 

Maybe it’s the way Vaz smells like champagne and cigar smoke and almost like home. Maybe it’s the comforting warmth of Vaz’s arms wrapped Xander. Maybe it’s how good Vaz feels in his arms when Xander hugs him back. Maybe it’s the pure excitement on Vaz’s freckled face, the joy in Vaz’s deep brown eyes when he pulls back, his big, warm hand still on Xander’s forearm.

Maybe it’s a lot of things that cause Xander to cup Vaz’s cheek in his hand and ask him if this is okay, if he wants Xander as much as Xander wants him. But Xander doesn’t have time to think about that right now, not when Vaz is leaning up on his tip toes and smashing their lips together, wrapping those strong arms around Xander for the second time that night. 

Vaz tastes like bubblegum and sunflower seeds and alcohol and Xander has never been happier. He can think about what comes after this later, think about the conversation he needs to have with Vaz tomorrow. But for right now, Xander is perfectly happy with Vaz kissing him and wrapping his arms around Xander’s neck, smiling into the kiss. And from the looks of it, Vaz is perfectly happy doing that for right now too.


End file.
